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Sentence Stories

You have to be stabbed to feel alive

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Stage 39: A lawless love

I watched her from my side of the room- it was an unspoken rule between us- i was allowed to admire her for the price of never knowing her; damned to the solitude of my attraction towards her forever.

It was physical too though- our divide.

I hated the most terrifying exhilaration I’ve felt in my entire life.

Whether it was day or night, my feelings had to be confined for I knew they were worthless.

I knew she would never reciprocate the emotions i harboured and i was sure of this because of the pure terror i saw in her eyes whenever she glanced my way.                         I knew I would not survive if i revealed myself to her but i craved the thought of how close it would bring us together… and eventually after months of suppressed yearning I decided it was time.

Coming out of the background, which i blended into seamlessly, was more difficult than i had anticipated. She was too busy writing in her blood red journal- it was her favorite thing to do, no matter what her mood; sometimes her hand would quiver with fury as she wrote and other times i would see that same hand steady and calm as if it belonged to a yogi . I was jealous of that book- It knew everything about her i never would, and it would continue to learn everything about her long after i was gone.

Before I made my final steps, I remembered the day i fell in love with her; It was my first day there and it only took me a fraction of a second to find the most dominant presence in the room- a presence I wished I could call mine.

Never had i ever seen something so beautiful in my entire life… never had there been born such a fool to love someone the way i did- enough to die for them.

I left my web and scrambled across the bed- she had noticed me and was lifting her book over her head, her eyes turning wide. I had to be quick, I had to be faster, I had to touch her before she..

Stage 25: You’re happy.

I recently came out.

Not of a closet concerning my sexuality, but rather my mental health.

I still don’t know whether i can call it depression or classify it as full fledged anxiety. Or if it was a concoction of both of those highly complementing ingredients.Not only did they complement each other, but also were extremely compatible with my soul.

The first time i told someone was last year.But last year it wasn’t as powerful. Last year it was like an appetizer for the main course that was soon to upset my entire life and morals. Last year was a breeze comparatively because last year i had things to blame it on… but this year? This time? Nothing.

This time it was in my head, this time it was something i chose, this time it was far more real…

Because this time it made me stronger.

Just when i thought i was alone and had no-one left that i could trust or turn to, i remembered that there were people i had been taking for granted all along. My last chance at a plea for help- Family.

And Holy Hell did they help.

Never have i felt so supported before.Never have i felt so valued. Never have i been so happy.

Yes of course the panic attacks still hit me hard. Of course the sadness hasn’t disappeared but I don’t give up anymore. I fight.

Anxiety and Depression are monsters that feed off of self-pity, self-hatred and self-doubt. But when you choose to be indubitably grateful, compassionately loving and unrelentingly confident, you’re also choosing to be in control.

You’re making a conscious decision to be happy.

The easiest thing to do when you’ve dug a hole so deep is to keep digging. The further you dig the harder it is to get out.It’s always harder to get out.But you have to. You cant let your mind control you.

Don’t let these diseases make you an audience member of your very own life. You didn’t come here to watch. You were sent here to play.


 

 A special thanks to my brother, I love you.