Ambition is just constant dissatisfaction.
It’s the sadness that pushes us. The gnawing, tugging, inescapable emotions that drag us into our creative zones. Writing is a catharsis and there’s no need for it unless you’re looking for an escape; for the reason a reader reads and a writer writes is the same.
And when you’re content, there is no need for an escape- *introducing the all new and improved ‘writers block’. Now in 4 different shades of frustration.*
It’s every artists internal conflict. For them to create they have to have inspiration, for inspiration they need an extreme emotion, for an extreme emotion they need exhilaration or depression, the latter being much easier to achieve when you have no inspiration and thus the vicious cycle begins.
What to do, what to do, what to do.
Take a break I guess. Go out, switch off, forget. I say I guess because evidently I still can’t write. Atleast nothing along the lines of profound or mildly entertaining.
Sorry for wasting your time if you made it this far.
But a word of advice because I never publish a post without something quotable ( ✔️ ) and something kinda sorta not really helpful- Don’t force yourself to create something that has to be appreciated… just. create.
Well, i woke up to that faint blue light that I now so easily recognise (c.e. https://itswaypastcurfew.wordpress.com/2016/06/01/stage-7-34-progress/ , where i flipped out, seeing it for the first time)
WordPress informed me that it was our 2 year anniversary. Possibly the longest any of my relationships have ever lasted (platonic and romantic). *cringing at this sad truth*
Also I haven’t been able to write at all lately and this is more or less a forced post and I have to end up asking myself the question ‘ why can we write so much better when our life is going to the dogs?’
I’m playing this world like a video-game,
Overthinking is a glitch and heartbreak is the lag.
I’m Fast to judge, Slow to understand, and Often never right
I speak loudly in the day and cry sheltered by a blanket of moonlight
I run from my problems and never ever fight
my insecurities that remain unsurpassed despite
my love for the future, which now, looks bleakly bright
I’m Fast to judge, Slow to understand, and Often never right
It takes guts to stain a blank page with your emotions.
I’m attracted to bad decisions, I’m into making mistakes.
It’s not the fact that anything changed between us… not a relationship status or our physical presence. But for some reason, almost disappeared, has our mental connection.
I cant place it but we’re different
Something’s different about us
I blame you and you might blame me. Truth is there is no-one to blame. Nothing happened, but we changed. We both changed somehow. Unable to foster the parallel we used to share, we both are rendered helpless.
We miss each other but we can’t be together.
We tell each other but it doesn’t change anything.
It doesn’t change the fact that we lost it.
We misplaced a feeling and now It’s gone. Maybe not forever. but heck it sure is taking a long time to find… I’ll fight for it though. I’ll fight like I’ve never lost before, but you need to fight too.
Please fight. Fight hard.
Fight for us.
It’s sad that a death is a tragedy but anything more is a statistic.
I recently came out.
Not of a closet concerning my sexuality, but rather my mental health.
I still don’t know whether i can call it depression or classify it as full fledged anxiety. Or if it was a concoction of both of those highly complementing ingredients.Not only did they complement each other, but also were extremely compatible with my soul.
The first time i told someone was last year.But last year it wasn’t as powerful. Last year it was like an appetizer for the main course that was soon to upset my entire life and morals. Last year was a breeze comparatively because last year i had things to blame it on… but this year? This time? Nothing.
This time it was in my head, this time it was something i chose, this time it was far more real…
Because this time it made me stronger.
Just when i thought i was alone and had no-one left that i could trust or turn to, i remembered that there were people i had been taking for granted all along. My last chance at a plea for help- Family.
And Holy Hell did they help.
Never have i felt so supported before.Never have i felt so valued. Never have i been so happy.
Yes of course the panic attacks still hit me hard. Of course the sadness hasn’t disappeared but I don’t give up anymore. I fight.
Anxiety and Depression are monsters that feed off of self-pity, self-hatred and self-doubt. But when you choose to be indubitably grateful, compassionately loving and unrelentingly confident, you’re also choosing to be in control.
You’re making a conscious decision to be happy.
The easiest thing to do when you’ve dug a hole so deep is to keep digging. The further you dig the harder it is to get out.It’s always harder to get out.But you have to. You cant let your mind control you.
Don’t let these diseases make you an audience member of your very own life. You didn’t come here to watch. You were sent here to play.
A special thanks to my brother, I love you.
Why do people say its not okay to miss someone or something?
Yes, it can be argued that it is a waste of time but it certainly doesn’t indicate that you are not over whatever it is that you lost.Being condemned for missing something that was a big part of your life is stupid.Lets take the example easiest to relate with- Missing someONE.
It’s okay to miss someone that hurt you because you don’t miss the pain they caused you-HELL NO. gross never.
but instead you miss
the persons presence in your life,
the profound conversations with them,
the vivid memories you shared and most importantly
the connection you had.
It’s not pathetic. Don’t knock yourself over for missing someone that obviously brought you so much joy at one point in time (even if they caused you nothing but pain later on).
Because there’s a difference between missing someone… and wanting them back in your life.
and as long as the latter is absent, you’re okay. Its natural to recognise that something that used to be in your life is gone… but remember
The one who hurt you does not have the power to heal you.
So miss them. Miss them all you want because
Missing someone is just remembering something that has been forgotten so you are capable of it.
and let go.