Tag Archives: heartbreak

Stage 39: A lawless love

I watched her from my side of the room- it was an unspoken rule between us- i was allowed to admire her for the price of never knowing her; damned to the solitude of my attraction towards her forever.

It was physical too though- our divide.

I hated the most terrifying exhilaration I’ve felt in my entire life.

Whether it was day or night, my feelings had to be confined for I knew they were worthless.

I knew she would never reciprocate the emotions i harboured and i was sure of this because of the pure terror i saw in her eyes whenever she glanced my way.                         I knew I would not survive if i revealed myself to her but i craved the thought of how close it would bring us together… and eventually after months of suppressed yearning I decided it was time.

Coming out of the background, which i blended into seamlessly, was more difficult than i had anticipated. She was too busy writing in her blood red journal- it was her favorite thing to do, no matter what her mood; sometimes her hand would quiver with fury as she wrote and other times i would see that same hand steady and calm as if it belonged to a yogi . I was jealous of that book- It knew everything about her i never would, and it would continue to learn everything about her long after i was gone.

Before I made my final steps, I remembered the day i fell in love with her; It was my first day there and it only took me a fraction of a second to find the most dominant presence in the room- a presence I wished I could call mine.

Never had i ever seen something so beautiful in my entire life… never had there been born such a fool to love someone the way i did- enough to die for them.

I left my web and scrambled across the bed- she had noticed me and was lifting her book over her head, her eyes turning wide. I had to be quick, I had to be faster, I had to touch her before she..

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Stage 33: Sleep venite ad me

Crap.

It’s those sleepless nights.

The hours that tick tick slowly by to greet the rays of the sun.

When youve had too much of a calm phase in life, hours like these are necessary to remind you. Remind you that there were moments like these too.

Where nothing is necessarily wrong in your life. Oh no, it is actually something wrong with the past that comes back to haunt you. To hover over you and remind you that there were moments like these too; moments where everything had been going to hell… where you thought you wouldnt live to see the calm.

A sudden halt on your dead-end rollercoaster.

Crap.

Where all emotions are snatched from you and replaced with burning, new, implacable ones.

Where there’s no room for the glorious miscommunication that usually goes on between your soul and your body.

Grasp at these moments because it doesn’t come with the risk of permanent emotional damage… just a slightly stinging sorrow.

It’s life’s gift to you. To help you rid of the monotony that comes with happiness. To encourage you to cherish contentment. To remind you that there used to be moments like these too; moments where the night just tick ticks by.

Stage 31 : Thank you, Sincerely I hate you

Dear Jerk(s),

I have taken it upon myself to write this letter to wholeheartedly thank you.

Yes i may at one point in my life, when my standards were apparently at their lowest, have wanted you, liked you, needed you. Maybe at one sad moment, I craved for your attention, your approval, your acceptance of me. But i swear to you with all the might that is left in me, I do not need it nor am I seeking it.

The word disillusioned was created for revelations like these. You’re hell-bent on bringing me down for some reason. I used to even bother asking questions, doubting myself, just to justify your actions. ‘What did i ever do to you’. It was a question that gnawed at me continuously. It was pathetic. Actually no wait you’re pathetic, I just care too much. My bad, I admit.

But now my attitude has changed. I ask myself a new question now; ‘Why am I letting you do this to me’. I can’t confidently answer that to this day but I can, however, change that interrogative into a declarative; ‘ I wont let you do this to me’. Okay enough of bullshit. I had enough of that when i was honored by your presence.

But listen. I mentioned that i wanted to Thank you and I really do! I did want to thank you, you amazing human you 🙂

Thank you for the pain you caused me. You know why? Because it made me write this post and countless others, it fueled my passion for creative (but rather depressing  pieces), It brought me my followers and it brought me my reader who is probably reading this thinking of their very own Jerk. They are quite abundant these days aren’t they? But most importantly it made me so much smarter. Yes. I won’t say stronger or happier because for now that isn’t true. For now.

But smarter. I feel like mentally, i could battle the amazon rain-forest. If someone could tolerate an insolence like you, how easy does everything else seem.

So very truly, Thank you.

Go love yourself.

Sardonically yours,

A person who’s moved on.



This is my personal letter to all the Jerks one faces in life. May it be ex’s, bullies or random trolls. They’re all the same and we can all get through it with a wee bit of patience and a whole lotta sarcasm.

Stage 22: Unspoken bonds (Part 2..)

Its repetitive isn’t it? The game of heartbreak

Yet we all still play. Participate with full enthusiasm, impetus and with no plan to learn from our mistakes. We all know the outcome, yet we are still hurt when it happens.

Even the strongest humans are susceptible to this disease. The disease that has taken a toll on countless, unsuspecting, innocent victims, and their lives. The implacable disease of Love.

A drug, an addiction,

Something that you can live without but forget how to live without.

The concept of the game? Oh its very simple. You either play or get played. Its very rare to find a friendly match where the two sides are not competing to destroy one another.

The end result? Complete obliteration of the defending team.

Why is this simple game with simple rules so hard though? The answer to that is well… simple.

When things are easy, we tend to use all that extra room to over-complicate stuff. Therefore everyone ends up playing a different game; employing their own strategies and bending the unspoken rules to their own liking.

Another weapon the brave soldiers (that enter this brutal war) are equipped with is the ‘blinker’ ( the blinders horses wear, to prevent them from being frightened by potential harm). However, when our brave soldier puts on this metaphorical blinker, he restricts himself to a view of only the potential harm.

And once this blinker is on.. BOOM.

Total Annihilation.

Stage 21: Unspoken bonds (part 1..)

Trust.

What is trust?

It’s a band stretched to its elastic potential, which (if you paid attention in Physics) requires equal amounts of effort. This ‘effort’ requires the constant reassurance that the other person wont let you down.That they share the same understanding that you do and that they are ready for every term this agreement offers; the good and the bad.

A tub of Honesty, a  can of Wholeheartedness, a pinch of Compromise and a willing Sous chef


These promises all translate into unimpeachable relationships.

Well, in a perfect world they do

Just don’t let go of your end

Stage 18: Self- Quarantine

Voluntarily choosing to be in silence.

It sucks, and its not something i used to be capable of. However now, somehow i am able to jail my voice, only speaking when necessary and sometimes not even then. Its confusing, its all sorts of depressing and its highly unhealthy.

I confess: I’m a Chronic Over-thinker. Do you know what overthinking is like? Its trying to move forward with life, with one foot firmly on the brake. Its something only someone who’s passionate about warring with their emotions can achieve. Its just toxic.

I don’t even, know the function of this post. I guess it was an attempt at venting and then being able to make sense of what ive been feeling? However it sure as hell isnt working.

Why couldnt i tell someone close to me? That’s the Overthinking efficiently working. Its made me feel alone and dissatisfied with everything. It’s consuming every aspect that supports me. But why? How do i even go about making sense of this.

I want to study

I want to be successful

I want to stop being a ‘Jack of all, King of none’

I want to stop condemning every thing i do

I want to stop being fed up with people around me

I just don’t want to feel alone anymore.

I know this is a year of my life where i need to focus, where the above statements actually are advantages. But its a major change.. going from the free morpheme ‘social’ to the bound morpheme ‘anti-social’. That was an AS English reference ( yeah woah i’m actually sticking to my promise and studying this year?) but it’s ironic, since i do feel bound

But from my own actions? I know that can’t be normal.

I was okay with being a mess before and now that for the first time, i’m actually getting stuff done and organised- clearing up the ‘garbage’ that i had transformed my life into- I’m not happy? This is so messed up. What’s wrong with me?

How can i be making the choice of isolating myself and then question why i feel so isolated.

help

 

Stage 16: Manipulate me. I dare you

Some people have been hurt so much in their lives, that they turn into emotionless robots.Computers incapable of feeling. After a lifetime of being hurt, misunderstood and neglected, they put up a force-field around themselves that destroys anyone that attempts to test it; and it’s not their fault that you’ve been dismantled… oh no, its your’s for caring too much for a person that ‘never asked for it’.

If you at any point in your life were in a similar situation and firmly believed that you were the one at fault, congratulations my naive reader for you have been the victim of a senseless game. An emotional one created by a person with too much free time and too much hatred for the world.Their weapons were aimed at no-one in specific but, you unfortunately, ended up in the crossfire. And all for what? For having too strong of a desire to fix dead people.

There are different types of people in this world.There are those who love, those who are loved and then there are the evaders.Notice how even the word itself doesn’t fit in anywhere?  These type of people are constantly running, they constantly try to avoid confrontation, constantly doubt everyone close to them and more often than not, are completely alone. But the most obvious feature that marks an ‘evader’ is their mastery of the art of manipulation (in simpler terms, dick-iness ).

Evaders might look good on the surface- Charmers, Intelligent, High-powered and bold.However, Inside they are empty and carry nothing else but that evil with them, Vectors of manipulation if you’d like.

So what do you with these emotionally handicapped people? You leave them. It’s easier than them unraveling, contorting  and ultimately eradicating your very soul.

It’s easier than them leaving you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

its a constant pity party with them. dont ever go to this party. it leaves you hungover with regret .