Tag Archives: Depression

Stage 33: Sleep venite ad me

Crap.

It’s those sleepless nights.

The hours that tick tick slowly by to greet the rays of the sun.

When youve had too much of a calm phase in life, hours like these are necessary to remind you. Remind you that there were moments like these too.

Where nothing is necessarily wrong in your life. Oh no, it is actually something wrong with the past that comes back to haunt you. To hover over you and remind you that there were moments like these too; moments where everything had been going to hell… where you thought you wouldnt live to see the calm.

A sudden halt on your dead-end rollercoaster.

Crap.

Where all emotions are snatched from you and replaced with burning, new, implacable ones.

Where there’s no room for the glorious miscommunication that usually goes on between your soul and your body.

Grasp at these moments because it doesn’t come with the risk of permanent emotional damage… just a slightly stinging sorrow.

It’s life’s gift to you. To help you rid of the monotony that comes with happiness. To encourage you to cherish contentment. To remind you that there used to be moments like these too; moments where the night just tick ticks by.

Stage 31 : Thank you, Sincerely I hate you

Dear Jerk(s),

I have taken it upon myself to write this letter to wholeheartedly thank you.

Yes i may at one point in my life, when my standards were apparently at their lowest, have wanted you, liked you, needed you. Maybe at one sad moment, I craved for your attention, your approval, your acceptance of me. But i swear to you with all the might that is left in me, I do not need it nor am I seeking it.

The word disillusioned was created for revelations like these. You’re hell-bent on bringing me down for some reason. I used to even bother asking questions, doubting myself, just to justify your actions. ‘What did i ever do to you’. It was a question that gnawed at me continuously. It was pathetic. Actually no wait you’re pathetic, I just care too much. My bad, I admit.

But now my attitude has changed. I ask myself a new question now; ‘Why am I letting you do this to me’. I can’t confidently answer that to this day but I can, however, change that interrogative into a declarative; ‘ I wont let you do this to me’. Okay enough of bullshit. I had enough of that when i was honored by your presence.

But listen. I mentioned that i wanted to Thank you and I really do! I did want to thank you, you amazing human you 🙂

Thank you for the pain you caused me. You know why? Because it made me write this post and countless others, it fueled my passion for creative (but rather depressing  pieces), It brought me my followers and it brought me my reader who is probably reading this thinking of their very own Jerk. They are quite abundant these days aren’t they? But most importantly it made me so much smarter. Yes. I won’t say stronger or happier because for now that isn’t true. For now.

But smarter. I feel like mentally, i could battle the amazon rain-forest. If someone could tolerate an insolence like you, how easy does everything else seem.

So very truly, Thank you.

Go love yourself.

Sardonically yours,

A person who’s moved on.



This is my personal letter to all the Jerks one faces in life. May it be ex’s, bullies or random trolls. They’re all the same and we can all get through it with a wee bit of patience and a whole lotta sarcasm.

Stage 28: Mindless Rhyming

 

I’m Fast to judge, Slow to understand, and Often never right

I speak loudly in the day and cry sheltered by a blanket of moonlight

I run from my problems and never ever fight

my insecurities that remain unsurpassed despite

my love for the future, which now, looks bleakly bright

because

I’m Fast to judge, Slow to understand, and Often never right

Stage 27: Control

Why do people take you for granted is a question you do not deserve to ask.

You know why, I mean come on, you’re there at the person’s beck and call, you’re always chirpy and always say the right things  what the person wants to hear. I mean in a normal society these attributes would be cherished.But in a society where Trump is President-Elect, mass genocide is happening in multiple countries and rape culture is a thing, I wouldn’t deem our society exactly sane or one that adheres to rationality in particular.

Although we should love the people that love us, we always make the mistake of confusing that love for undying. Love is like a flower that needs to be nurtured and cared for, watered and adorned with sunlight and most importantly love itself. If the flower is continuously ignored, it will progressively fade, wilt and die.

Instead of caring for the flowers- the people- that we already have,We search for more to add to our garden and in the process of all this forget to nurture the ones that have flourished. In this failure of ours, if realised too late, we lose most of our bouquet.

But then there are those humans- the cacti of this world, who power through everything; no love for months on end but they still grow, they still provide nourishment for animals accustomed to their thorns and they do what they believe is their purpose- they care. Care relentlessly, unhinged by the absence of love from their world.

Why do people take you for granted is a question you do not deserve to ask.

You know why.

Stage 25: You’re happy.

I recently came out.

Not of a closet concerning my sexuality, but rather my mental health.

I still don’t know whether i can call it depression or classify it as full fledged anxiety. Or if it was a concoction of both of those highly complementing ingredients.Not only did they complement each other, but also were extremely compatible with my soul.

The first time i told someone was last year.But last year it wasn’t as powerful. Last year it was like an appetizer for the main course that was soon to upset my entire life and morals. Last year was a breeze comparatively because last year i had things to blame it on… but this year? This time? Nothing.

This time it was in my head, this time it was something i chose, this time it was far more real…

Because this time it made me stronger.

Just when i thought i was alone and had no-one left that i could trust or turn to, i remembered that there were people i had been taking for granted all along. My last chance at a plea for help- Family.

And Holy Hell did they help.

Never have i felt so supported before.Never have i felt so valued. Never have i been so happy.

Yes of course the panic attacks still hit me hard. Of course the sadness hasn’t disappeared but I don’t give up anymore. I fight.

Anxiety and Depression are monsters that feed off of self-pity, self-hatred and self-doubt. But when you choose to be indubitably grateful, compassionately loving and unrelentingly confident, you’re also choosing to be in control.

You’re making a conscious decision to be happy.

The easiest thing to do when you’ve dug a hole so deep is to keep digging. The further you dig the harder it is to get out.It’s always harder to get out.But you have to. You cant let your mind control you.

Don’t let these diseases make you an audience member of your very own life. You didn’t come here to watch. You were sent here to play.


 

 A special thanks to my brother, I love you.

Stage 24: Reminiscent

Why do people say its not okay to miss someone or something?

Yes, it can be argued that it is a waste of time but it certainly doesn’t indicate that you are not over whatever it is that you lost.Being condemned for missing something that was a big part of your life is stupid.Lets take the example easiest to relate with- Missing someONE.

It’s okay to miss someone that hurt you because you don’t miss the pain they caused you-HELL NO. gross never.

but instead you miss

the persons presence in your life,

the profound conversations with them,

the vivid memories you shared and most importantly

the connection you had.

It’s not pathetic. Don’t knock yourself over for missing someone that obviously brought you so much joy at one point in time (even if they caused you nothing but pain later on).

Because there’s a difference between missing someone… and wanting them back in your life.

and as long as the latter is absent, you’re okay. Its natural to recognise that something that used to be in your life is gone… but remember

The one who hurt you does not have the power to heal you.

So miss them. Miss them all you want because

Missing someone is just remembering something that has been forgotten so you are capable of it.


breathe

accept

and let go.

Stage 14: An absence

Missing someone is hard. Especially when it isnt a person you can succesfuly  associate a face or name with; when its a person you dont know… all you do know is that theyre missing. Missing from your life.

Their absence beats at the door of your heart with a certain vigour, almost mocking your illusory loneliness.

And this dearth hits like a wasp sting – quick, sharp and sore, after the initial excruciating pain.

And all youre left with is an overwhelming curiosity.Millions of questions flooding your mind, gushing relentlessly, wailing to be answered.Why do i want this person? Why do i need them? Where can i find them? Will i ever find them? Is my mind playing tricks on me? Who exactly are they? Is this someone i already know? Am i creating false emotions?

Its not pain that renders you dysfunctional. Its a pain that gnaws obssesively, almost numbingly at your very core, thrashing and battering your soul.