Tag Archives: anxiety

Stage 33: Sleep venite ad me

Crap.

It’s those sleepless nights.

The hours that tick tick slowly by to greet the rays of the sun.

When youve had too much of a calm phase in life, hours like these are necessary to remind you. Remind you that there were moments like these too.

Where nothing is necessarily wrong in your life. Oh no, it is actually something wrong with the past that comes back to haunt you. To hover over you and remind you that there were moments like these too; moments where everything had been going to hell… where you thought you wouldnt live to see the calm.

A sudden halt on your dead-end rollercoaster.

Crap.

Where all emotions are snatched from you and replaced with burning, new, implacable ones.

Where there’s no room for the glorious miscommunication that usually goes on between your soul and your body.

Grasp at these moments because it doesn’t come with the risk of permanent emotional damage… just a slightly stinging sorrow.

It’s life’s gift to you. To help you rid of the monotony that comes with happiness. To encourage you to cherish contentment. To remind you that there used to be moments like these too; moments where the night just tick ticks by.

Stage 32: The thoughts of a person who can’t write.

It’s the sadness that pushes us. The gnawing, tugging, inescapable emotions that drag us into our creative zones. Writing is a catharsis and there’s no need for it unless you’re looking for an escape; for the reason a reader reads and a writer writes is the same.

And when you’re content, there is no need for an escape- *introducing the all new and improved ‘writers block’. Now in 4 different shades of frustration.*

It’s every artists internal conflict. For them to create they have to have inspiration, for inspiration they need an extreme emotion, for an extreme emotion they need exhilaration or depression, the latter being much easier to achieve when you have no inspiration and thus the vicious cycle begins.

What to do, what to do, what to do.

Take a break I guess. Go out, switch off, forget. I say I guess because evidently I still can’t write. Atleast nothing along the lines of profound or mildly entertaining.

Sorry for wasting your time if you made it this far.

But a word of advice because I never publish a post without something quotable ( ✔️ ) and something kinda sorta not really helpful- Don’t force yourself to create something that has to be appreciated… just. create.


Well, i woke up to that faint blue light that I now so easily recognise (c.e. https://itswaypastcurfew.wordpress.com/2016/06/01/stage-7-34-progress/ , where i flipped out, seeing it for the first time)

WordPress informed me that it was our 2 year anniversary. Possibly the longest any of my relationships have ever lasted (platonic and romantic).  *cringing at this sad truth*

Also I haven’t been able to write at all lately and this is more or less a forced post and I have to end up asking myself the question ‘ why can we write so much better when our life is going to the dogs?’

Diary of an Over-thinker: 2

Let me set the scene for you.

It’s a pleasant, cool day. You stand around nonchalantly with a group of people. Banter is being passed around like a ball and a contest of wit seems to be taking place. Generally a satisfying spell has seized control of the day. That is until

 

Irrelevant person 1: “and then i said to her if you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate!!”

*unanimous laughter at punny chemistry joke*

You: “hey that reminds me irrelevant person 3, did you watch that documentary?”

Irrelevant person 3: …

*pause before you attempt to ask the deaf irrelevance your question again*

You: ” Did you see that docum-”

Irrelevant person 3: “Oh btw guys (proceeds to talk about irrelevant topic)”

You: *cue feelings of wanting to move to Lithuania to sell cats for a living*

 

Not being heard and having to repeat yourself is the worst. The only thing worse than that is having to repeat yourself and not being heard again. ( and the only thing worse than THAT is it happening with your crush but that’s a whole other post).

I mean I know it’s kind of dramatic to feel so worthless, but that is EXACTLY how you feel. I don’t know why, but the insecurities just thrive off of moments like those. It’s the most terrifying thing that can happen to you and somehow it leaves you feeling like the least important human on the planet. It leaves you feeling irrelevant.

Overthinking coupled with abandonment issues and crippling social anxiety- Life’s peachy keen.

Stage 28: Mindless Rhyming

 

I’m Fast to judge, Slow to understand, and Often never right

I speak loudly in the day and cry sheltered by a blanket of moonlight

I run from my problems and never ever fight

my insecurities that remain unsurpassed despite

my love for the future, which now, looks bleakly bright

because

I’m Fast to judge, Slow to understand, and Often never right

Stage 27: Control

Why do people take you for granted is a question you do not deserve to ask.

You know why, I mean come on, you’re there at the person’s beck and call, you’re always chirpy and always say the right things  what the person wants to hear. I mean in a normal society these attributes would be cherished.But in a society where Trump is President-Elect, mass genocide is happening in multiple countries and rape culture is a thing, I wouldn’t deem our society exactly sane or one that adheres to rationality in particular.

Although we should love the people that love us, we always make the mistake of confusing that love for undying. Love is like a flower that needs to be nurtured and cared for, watered and adorned with sunlight and most importantly love itself. If the flower is continuously ignored, it will progressively fade, wilt and die.

Instead of caring for the flowers- the people- that we already have,We search for more to add to our garden and in the process of all this forget to nurture the ones that have flourished. In this failure of ours, if realised too late, we lose most of our bouquet.

But then there are those humans- the cacti of this world, who power through everything; no love for months on end but they still grow, they still provide nourishment for animals accustomed to their thorns and they do what they believe is their purpose- they care. Care relentlessly, unhinged by the absence of love from their world.

Why do people take you for granted is a question you do not deserve to ask.

You know why.

Stage 25: You’re happy.

I recently came out.

Not of a closet concerning my sexuality, but rather my mental health.

I still don’t know whether i can call it depression or classify it as full fledged anxiety. Or if it was a concoction of both of those highly complementing ingredients.Not only did they complement each other, but also were extremely compatible with my soul.

The first time i told someone was last year.But last year it wasn’t as powerful. Last year it was like an appetizer for the main course that was soon to upset my entire life and morals. Last year was a breeze comparatively because last year i had things to blame it on… but this year? This time? Nothing.

This time it was in my head, this time it was something i chose, this time it was far more real…

Because this time it made me stronger.

Just when i thought i was alone and had no-one left that i could trust or turn to, i remembered that there were people i had been taking for granted all along. My last chance at a plea for help- Family.

And Holy Hell did they help.

Never have i felt so supported before.Never have i felt so valued. Never have i been so happy.

Yes of course the panic attacks still hit me hard. Of course the sadness hasn’t disappeared but I don’t give up anymore. I fight.

Anxiety and Depression are monsters that feed off of self-pity, self-hatred and self-doubt. But when you choose to be indubitably grateful, compassionately loving and unrelentingly confident, you’re also choosing to be in control.

You’re making a conscious decision to be happy.

The easiest thing to do when you’ve dug a hole so deep is to keep digging. The further you dig the harder it is to get out.It’s always harder to get out.But you have to. You cant let your mind control you.

Don’t let these diseases make you an audience member of your very own life. You didn’t come here to watch. You were sent here to play.


 

 A special thanks to my brother, I love you.