Stage 8: Mornings are the worst

Why?

Because this is the time of the day your guard is down… you’ve spent too much time alone, with your masochistic mind and  your emotions are raw, extremely susceptible and true.This is the time of the day your feelings take advantage of your vulnerability and wreak havoc on your unsuspecting soul.

The bright sunlight infiltrates your safe haven and awakens the dark monsters that lurk inside of you.They work together to break you down and this is the defining moment of your 24 hours- it is the foundation stone for the rest of your day.This is the moment where your inner being is unleashed and struggles to take over the disguise you proudly show off.

If you’re someone who wakes up happy consider yourself to be extremely lucky.              If you’re someone who wakes up sad, hang in there and crave the moment your mind treats you to eunoia .                                                                                                                          However if you’re someone who wakes up feeling nothing at all, consider yourself to be a liar.


My posts have been pretty dark lately but this is because i am truly comfortable writing like this.My thoughts have always been quite unorthodox but this might be the first time i truly express them as now i can hide behind a computer screen and not be afraid of being judged and also not care really. woohoo!!

It worries me sometimes that i’m so content with my dissatisfaction, to the point where i might choose to stay in this state as i love the way i think now. Its oddly motivating and for the first time in my life i’ve made myself my top priority and cared about the right people (s/o to harry and albus, who don’t expect me to change and don’t involuntarily change me either- Thank you for bearing with my ‘dark side’ that i’ve grown to love guys)


20160604_161229

I took this a while ago and i think it perfectly justifies my post

Stage 7 3/4 : Progress

Wait.Scream with me. WOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

I was just sitting around aimlessly procrastinating after posting Stage 7: Just hold on , when my phone lights up.I ignored it at first then came to the realisation that this strange soft blue light wasn’t a Snapchat , Instagram or Whatsapp notification. I lazily reached out for my phone, pulled down my notif banner and BAM. Yes, and it wasnt a bad BAM either.It was a good BAM, like the one you feel if Beyonce suddenly drops a new album out of nowhere. I GOT MY FIRST LIKE ON A POST; a stranger approved of what i had to say, enough to bother hitting thumbs up.Honestly, this form of recognition was the best thing that had happened to me since foreverrrrrrr.( I realise this is pretty sad but oh weeeeeyyyllllll)

I instantly sent out a broadcast to the 7 people that are forced to read my blog as it is the joyful bonus that comes with being my close friend :))))))).

So anyways, as i was capitalising everything on chat to show everyone how excited i was, a familiar notification beeped. I GOT MY SECOND LIKE TOO. damn.

I then messaged everyone again telling them that i am now famous and that they had all been very good support but unfortunately i shall no longer have time for them anymore as my fans needed me.

It seems like just last week where i promised myself that i would post more often in hopes of attaining avid readers and therefore improving my college application.OH wait. It was.Hehehhehe. Gosh i’m so happy right now and this is probably the most pathetic post i will ever make but goshhhh, being recognised when you are at your worst- uninspired and with writer’s block is just the best dose of GET YOUR BUTT TO WORK you can ever receive.

So thank you to those two people that actually stayed on my blog after opening the monotonous home page and reading a post and then furthermore going through the trouble of liking it.The likes actually mean much more to me than what they are.

Thank you for enjoying reading about my pathetic little life :’).

 

Stage 7: Just hold on

Have you ever felt empty?

Just incomplete- like something essential for you to function is missing; and as hard as you try to fill this void: with people, comfort food and tv shows, the crevice becomes larger and more overwhelming. Where being content becomes an unfamiliar and strange idea.This is the moment where your fears capture you and catalyse an internal war.Where you are introduced to your three formidable foes- frustration,dissatisfaction and envy.This is it… You are now a foreigner in your own life.

Have you ever felt this way?

Well stop.Snap out of it.

The world is going to go on with or without you and there is no time to sit around and complain as no-one is going to wait for you.You should know that it is okay to not be okay.But never let that hollowness destroy you.You should know everyone else is doing fine without you.Just perfect.You made a mistake, but our mistakes are what make us.They help us evolve and become the epitomes of ourselves.Without our fears and mistakes we would be nowhere… without these breathless moments tearing us down, we would have no clue what bliss feels like.What living feels like.

You will survive.You will get through this and the best part of it is- You’re going to come out of this more stronger than ever.Right now every second feels like a torturous impediment.I know it does.The world seems to be against you and everything seems to be falling down like dominoes.But please, i beg of you, Don’t waste these seconds. Become the person that overcomes your current self – Happy, satisfied and confident.You don’t need anyone else to feel this way.This is your decision.

The only obstacle between you and your goal is you.Yes, this will be the most stubborn,recalcitrant and obstinate hurdle you will face.But trust me.Once its overcome… You will be proud and dare i say – Happy. A word you think you have forgotten the meaning of.

 

( Youre not the only one – Stage 6 and the other 1/2: Boys suck. )

Stage 6 and the other 1/2: Boys suck.

This was major click bait, but it is true in all its entirety. At least for now it is.

hmm so i’m sure most of us have been through this and those who haven’t trust me this is the reason you should be single and proud.Let me set the scene

He came out of nowhere and took over your life.He left with no trace and took your heart with him.

As exaggerated as this might sound to people reading this, that are aware (or unaware even) of my age or situation, trust me when i say it is the absolute worst.Yes, everyone knows breakups are the worst. No one likes being left alone in this big scary world. But that’s the thing right there, the feeling that you think you’re alone, when you’re not.You have people all around you, but, you just let one person engulf your life in the most pathogenic way possible.Of course it never happens at the best of times either (I’m for example giving the most important exams of my life currently, and since i aim for NYU i don’t think this is going to affect my application in a healthy way), but let me write this post as therapy for myself and it might help other people out in the process as well.

It hits you relatively fast in your first innocent, unsullied relationship ; i’m talking about the L word. I’m going to revert back to the conclusion i had believed in before my nearly year long relationship began, but improve upon my theory a bit.

Love does exist.Love exists all around you. But love is not a feeling; it is a priceless possession you entrust someone with. And you will only find out you made a mistake once your heart has been broken.That is why it is so priceless.

Maybe eventually i will see this as a good thing.Maybe one day ill look back at this moment in my life and be glad for it, as it shaped the person i will become.But for now things haven’t gotten better and i’m craving for the moment ‘i’ll get over it’.Its hard when everything reminds you of that person, so never make the mistake of forgetting your true self. Ever. Please remain your own person, because that is the mistake i made.

Yesterday as i was going through letters he had given me, my gaze fell upon writing i had never ever seen before.It said ‘and remember, i will love you forever’.I broke down, yearning for him.To hear his voice, for a message from him saying he made a mistake, but i didn’t receive anything  of course.I remembered how he was the one person that didn’t judge me and knew everything there was to know about me.Someone i could to talk to and confide in.Someone who made me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world.But knowing that, that person was gone… forever. That destroyed me.

Of course it was my delusion that led me to believe WE were different, WE would overcome everything and it was my fault for letting a boy who hadn’t grown up himself yet,to be allowed to literally play with my heart.I’m not an idiot though, so obviously these delusions were created by something, so let me rephrase; HE led me to believe we were different and HE said we could overcome everything.But we couldn’t. As we reached the slightest of rough waters, he ‘abandoned ship’.Left his only crew member alone.Yes he did have a good enough reason for calling it off (he doesn’t do long distance, which sucks because at the start of the relationship i used to say that and he hoped otherwise).But what he shouldn’t have done was stop talking to me.Well forcing me to stop talking to him. Because hes always been manipulative like that, and before, i used to let him do that to me.Actually as pathetic as it is, I still would.He started being cold, treating me like a stranger that he doesn’t like, talking about a female best friend of his who was his first everything really and literally telling me he doesn’t love me 2 days after the deed had been done,was what shattered me. Spending every day (mostly) for 9 months with this guy and him suddenly cutting you off and disregarding your presence is the worst feeling ever.You take it out on yourself; I have barely gotten any sleep as i wake up crying, and have only eaten when my mum forces food down my throat.And this makes you the most insecure, pathetic soul alive. You beg and you force the person to notice you, but they wont. Because they don’t want to.It’s as simple as that.So you need to start caring for yourself.

My friends reassure me that i’m the full package and hes missing out but i cant help but pick at all my flaws. The way i look, the way i dress, how close to resembling a bone i am, how annoying i can be and how i create drama out of everything, making people leave me.Just like he did.

But i shouldn’t be justifying his reasons.I keep telling myself he did this to make things easier for me… but if he knew me at all he wouldn’t have ever done this. I should be there for me, now that the boy i viewed as my best friend is gone.. And that’s okay. The way hes been acting i don’t even know who i was in love with.The impostor i gave my heart to is gone and i should get over that.

If its easy for him it can be easy for me too.Hopefully.

Her intro ❤ ( heck, all of it )

Stage 6 1/2: Regret

This is a congratulation post to myself. For validating the doubt i had; the fact that i always leave things half done… or in this case barely begun.I wanted to post at least once a week and that soon turned into the more realistic option of posting once a month.

But now that i sit here before my computer, opening this abandoned blog after 7 months, i’m as motivated as ever!

(that was sarcasm)

Maybe what dispirited me was the realization that more than half the people that open my blog leave directly from the homepage.Maybe it was the fact that i was a lazy procrastinator with a bad memory (sorry for abandoning you my 3 readers).OR MAYBE I SHOULD STOP MAKING EXCUSES AND ACTUALLY DO SOMETHING I SET MY HEART TO FOR ONCE. Yes that’s right i think with my heart rather than my brain, and personally, in recent situations as much as people assure me otherwise, i think it is my biggest flaw.

This blog is now for me and only me.It will be my weapon against the harsh college application achievements section.Maybe in one years time i might have avid readers who don’t personally know me.This might just become a thing.

Lets do this

Stage 5:The Unknown Girl

I glanced at her as she stepped out of her car; head lowered avoiding eye contact with every soul that passed, she closed the door behind her and having not seen me, dragged herself timidly towards the dull metal door.

I slouched behind her in lineup and walked behind her to class. She didn’t stop to talk to anyone nor did she walk alongside any friends. Strangers pushing her aside, she struggled to reach registration.

I watched how she sat with people that scoffed at her presence. How she worked without uttering a single word, not complaining even once about the amount of homework given. Her pain weighed out her pride as she blatantly ignored all the snide comments made about her odd ways of conduct. Little did anyone know they were the cause of her behavior. These were walls she had created to block out all the hatred, jealousy and false accusations. These were walls meant to be broken down by no one. She was living in a self created limbo, alone and afraid.

I still remember the day she broke down into tears, weak and vulnerable, crying for relief. No one came to help her the day she needed it most and that’s the day we lost her. Overwhelmed by the bullying she let everyone win.

Screams broke my train of thought and I let the crowd pull me along. Smelling smoke I glanced up at the blazing inferno. The abandoned school hall crumbled before me. We all watched in horror, paralyzed with shock. I was frustrated how everyone was rooted to the spot helplessly. Chastising my hypocritical thoughts I glanced at the casement of the burning building. There in the window lingered a dainty figure peering at the outside world as if it was on fire. It was her…Of course it was.

Stage 4 : One person destroyed my life 

“I’m scared of the silence. I’m scared of being left alone with my thoughts. I’m scared of the light. I’m scared of being out in the open for everyone to see. ”

I recently was going through my notes and I found the above.Yea it isn’t complete, relative to most things I do and probably doesn’t make much sense due to its randomness.I don’t remember exactly when I wrote it but I definetly do remember why and i think it’s about time I materialise this story someway or another.

Everyone goes through high school and every one knows what it feels like to go through that phase in junior / sophomore year when you realise who your “real friends ” are. You learn how to distinguish genuinely nice people from those who are just faking it. You learn how to see past your own problems but realise that your problems should stay your own ( if that makes sense ).

I recently went through something , although considered minute in the grand scheme of things it did change something or atleast helped me change something in me.

Trying to remember this succession of events I’m plunged into an ocean of painful memories. Although at that time I considered them the most settled moments of my life, they were anything but stable and could be hindered by the weight of a feather as I now have come to realise.

Although I’m not going to say exactly what happened as that would be too personal I will summarise it.

A friend of mine who has been my only support through all of this had attempted to do the unspeakable months prior to everything. She was only an aquaintince at that point in time but being part of a pretty small bodied school it shook us up.Everyone suddenly rushed to comfort everyone. All the remaining drama disappated and breaks became very quiet and emotional. It might be awful and you might think I’m a very bad person for saying this but I was very immune to all the tears and sadness. Maybe because she wasn’t a close friend , maybe I resented the fact that she announced it to everyone as if she only did it for the attention she received. I remember my best friend (at the time)calling me and sobbing. Seriously ? How could the only person I knew that was also unsusceptible to all the bs be affected as well. I questioned the credibility of my emotions and wether I was in possession of a heart (Yes , yes I am my mother had me checked )

All the commotion eventually died out as most things do since teenagers do not have a very long attention span. The girl moved on (atleast I thought ), her friends moved on (atleast I thought ) , my best friend moved on (atleast I thought ) and that was the last I would hear of it (atleast I thought ). See what I did there

A couple of months later all was going great. I was having the time of my life. But obviously karma had to get me for all those times I bitched about someone or something. Remember the girl I didn’t fancy much ? (We will call her A)  Yea her friends all cornered her saying  how she was a total attention whore. Now a crucial piece of information, I had become quite good friends with A over this period of time and I knew what her story was and I did sympathise with her.

Maybe six months ago I would have agreed with them but now I totally didn’t, I knew her story and I knew and understood her reasons althought it didn’t justify her attempt, nothing ever should. I was against it. It was so horribly wrong. If this was how they had thought all along why bring it up now. Why make her go through everything again. Why question her credibility when you have seen the scars and witnessed the empty seats in all her classes. Why bring it up at all.

I sided with her. Her best friend left her and my “best friend ” agreed with everyone else.

This was probably one of the centrefold events. There were countless more running alongside it since I hadn’t learnt to keep things to myself but this..this was the cherry on top. I argued.  A lot. With a lot of people. About a lot of things. I decided I wasn’t going to be manipulated anymore. I lost someone who I’ve now realised was very special to me. I lost one of the closest friends I’ve ever had and I lost everybody else. When A was absent which was quite often I was left alone sitting in the bathroom or library. How cliche I know. I sunk into an all time low. I started talking to people I didn’t even enjoy the company of just to fill the void left by those missing. Astounded by how a few words could change everything I started not talking to anyone but my brother and sisters, my sisters being oblivious to what was going on and my brother only being exposed to the basics.  I wanted to leave school. I didn’t realise I could feel so alienated in a country I was born and brought up in. The only thing that had made me feel like it was my home and not just a place I resided were my friends. I wanted to move to where my brother lived. Where my parents are from, where I actually belonged. My dad worried when I burst into tears infront of him and actually agreed to this uprooting for a while.

Anyways after three months or so which actually seemed like an eternity I somehow learned to completely deal with it. I actually got over it. I had made better friends. Way better friends who wouldn’t leave me (hopefully ) in the blink of an eye. People that actually cared about me. People I would actually want to be like.

But I also realised there had to be something wrong with me.I trusted too easily. I let my guard down and came to assumptions way too soon. I judged where it was not necessary and I was a notorious gossiper (Is that a word ).

One person destroyed my life and that person was me.

Deep I know. I try

It was also an exaggeration. Friends are not at all what life is about.  They are an added bonus. You can live without them. And thank god I realised that before it was too late. Imagine a 40 year old woman crying over not being invited to a party. I joke I joke. For sure family should be your ride and die. And it’s good to know that things aren’t permanent and to make sure you don’t expect them to be.

Song of the day 

In the end I guess I am ending this abruptly but I did write it all on a plane with a very talkative person seated next to me. The struggle is real #FirstWorldProblems

Atleast I finally updated !!!

(Side note :So I’m pretty sure I sent this link to atleast two friends. I hope this wasn’t too sappy for you guys it is my blog 😒)

Stage 3 : Summer 

so. Done with my exams and obviously didn’t have the time or decency to post throughout the duration of it. But hey now it’s summer and I’m sitting here waiting for something extraordinary to happen. (Spoiler it never does). I’ve been anticipating this moment since I started the school year, and now that’s it’s here. Ugh. There is nothing to do. I don’t feel like going out with my friends or showing up at parties, but when I’m sitting there curled up in my blanket like a burrito binge-watching anything and everything that comes to mind, I regret not going out. I miss the presence of people yet I cherish it. It’s all very confusing. 

Oh well Maroon five came out with a new song recently. Or should I say Adam Levine cause like …. Anyways here’s the link and I think it describes my situation in a nutshell

EXCLAIMER if you are under the age of 13 that video might just be your sexual awakening 

Stage 2: Exams

So it’s that time of the year again ;When textbooks are actually opened and the BBC bite size games become a way of life. 

In just over a month I will be giving my tenth grade IGSCE exams. The teachers tell us that next year is way more important and C’s and D’s are very normal to achieve and expected. Yea explain that to my parents please. 

While in school I’m being told not to worry, at home I’m doing nothing but. Of Course my ability to unrelentlessly   procrastinate is helping me to relax and not stress but I just know when I’m a week away from doomsday I’m going to panic. I’ll study for 6 hours straight , go to my tuitions religiously and not touch my phone (or this blog ). This was just a warning post if anyone actually does read this. 

I should probably hit the books now but somehow I always end up staring up at the motivational poster on the wall, thinking about what to say when I win my first Nobel prize.  :(How do you guys study?) 

Stage 1:Julie and Julia

I watched a movie  yesterday after conveniently coming down with the flu before my tuition’s class.

This movie has officially been put into my top 10 list contending with the likes of  ‘The Help’,’The Breakfast Club (I know I know how cliche) and of course ‘Shark Tale’.

If you haven’t already seen this biopic i have taken the liberty of breaking it down for you.

The movie reveals the true life story of two female protagonists, Julia Child who was a very famous cook and Julie Powell a young writer based in New York.It switches between these two very different individuals, Showing the viewers how Julia Child’s famous cookbook came to life and how the blogger Julie successfully made all of the 524 recipes in this cookbook in a span of one year.

This movie spoke to me as Julie was being bashed by everyone around her because apparently she had never finished anything (worthwhile) in her life either.One would think this would be some sort of inspiration for me but yea no. I just liked the movie a lot.It was pretty well directed 🙂

I know this was a very short post and overdue but I’m sort of tied down with the amount of homework I’ve been given so ciaooo x

Whats the WiFi Password ?