Stage 9: Catharsis

” the act or process of releasing a strong emotion (such as pity or fear) especially by expressing it in an art form”

This is undoubtedly my favorite word.As defined above, it is basically the purgation of oneself. Imagine that- the complete renewal, a fresh start, a new ending to an old beginning; However you wish to put it, i personally believe this is one of the most beautiful words in the language as it promises hope.This word is a beacon of absolute desire.

It is a metaphor, originally used by Aristotle in the Poetics, comparing the effects of tragedy on the mind of  a spectator to the effect of a cathartic  on the body. ( Yes, i conduct my research on wiki ).

My writing recently I’ve realised, is cathartic. My posts possibly paint an image of a pissed off teen who wants to see the entire world rot before her eyes.Okay lets be honest, that is exactly what is illustrated through my writing but let me clarify that i am anything but.I actually haven’t ever had to be self-reliant for my happiness but through writing, I have managed to accomplish just this.Through jotting down every little thought that pops into my mind, I have found a safe and productive way to release all my emotions; By materialising my problems and feelings into the form of harmless words it is impossible, all of a sudden, to perceive them as scary or frustrating anymore.


Writing helps me to delve into the vast pool of suffering, joy and mystery my mind contains


I have become a dark and hollow vessel that pours out her feelings onto this blank space.My thoughts are captured as soon as they are released and this has made me a much stronger person as I have become inured to my reality.

I urge you to write down whatever it is you feel… especially if you’re anything like myself -not good with or don’t like to share your feelings with other … strangers.Writing enables you to review whatever it is you are feeling and this helps you become accustomed to your being.Writing enables one to recognise themselves as an individual and gives them the power to have total control over what they feel.

It all begins and ends in your mind.

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We All Scream

Elan Mudrow

Photo by Kelly Neil Photo by Kelly Neil

Sherbet is a tart

Rocky Road has had it rough

But, still can please.

What a fucking snob

Is lemon chiffon,

I bet a good milkshake

Would make her think twice.

Banana coconut is

Kind of kinky.

Chocolate knows it has soul

But, Nutty Chocolate

Is a crazy ass motherfucker.

Strawberry Cheesecake

Is such a nerd.

Blueberry Shortcake

Fell short of making the cake.

Vanilla is dull

Always stuck in front

Of the television with a bowl

And no syrup!

Now, French Vanilla

That’s so ooh La La.

Cookies n’ Cream

Is a nasty pervert.

Butter Almond’s gotta

Little extra something

In the caboose.

Would you look

At the buns on that

Cinnamon Swirl?!!?!!

Egg nog thinks he’s

So damn smart

What a fucking custard!!

Peach Cobbler wears

Fruity shoes and

Dances like a melon.

Rum raison is a drunk.

Blackberry Crumble

Always loses it

View original post 18 more words

So lets kill ourselves

Its funny how everything you live for can be destroyed by one word, one act of defiance, one misinterpretation.We put our absolute trust in something known to be so easily hindered.Easily the most unintelligent choice we ever make; I mean would you hang down the side of a cliff with a thread on the verge of its breaking point?No.                                     Are we all suicidal?No.

Then why do we take the plunge into self-destruction,

Why do we hand people a gun and a bullet and make ourselves the target,

Why do we do things that we know will kill us,

This ones beyond me

depression-illustration-giant-eye

more like the above )

Stage 8: Mornings are the worst

Why?

Because this is the time of the day your guard is down… you’ve spent too much time alone, with your masochistic mind and  your emotions are raw, extremely susceptible and true.This is the time of the day your feelings take advantage of your vulnerability and wreak havoc on your unsuspecting soul.

The bright sunlight infiltrates your safe haven and awakens the dark monsters that lurk inside of you.They work together to break you down and this is the defining moment of your 24 hours- it is the foundation stone for the rest of your day.This is the moment where your inner being is unleashed and struggles to take over the disguise you proudly show off.

If you’re someone who wakes up happy consider yourself to be extremely lucky.              If you’re someone who wakes up sad, hang in there and crave the moment your mind treats you to eunoia .                                                                                                                          However if you’re someone who wakes up feeling nothing at all, consider yourself to be a liar.


My posts have been pretty dark lately but this is because i am truly comfortable writing like this.My thoughts have always been quite unorthodox but this might be the first time i truly express them as now i can hide behind a computer screen and not be afraid of being judged and also not care really. woohoo!!

It worries me sometimes that i’m so content with my dissatisfaction, to the point where i might choose to stay in this state as i love the way i think now. Its oddly motivating and for the first time in my life i’ve made myself my top priority and cared about the right people (s/o to harry and albus, who don’t expect me to change and don’t involuntarily change me either- Thank you for bearing with my ‘dark side’ that i’ve grown to love guys)


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I took this a while ago and i think it perfectly justifies my post

Stage 7 3/4 : Progress

Wait.Scream with me. WOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

I was just sitting around aimlessly procrastinating after posting Stage 7: Just hold on , when my phone lights up.I ignored it at first then came to the realisation that this strange soft blue light wasn’t a Snapchat , Instagram or Whatsapp notification. I lazily reached out for my phone, pulled down my notif banner and BAM. Yes, and it wasnt a bad BAM either.It was a good BAM, like the one you feel if Beyonce suddenly drops a new album out of nowhere. I GOT MY FIRST LIKE ON A POST; a stranger approved of what i had to say, enough to bother hitting thumbs up.Honestly, this form of recognition was the best thing that had happened to me since foreverrrrrrr.( I realise this is pretty sad but oh weeeeeyyyllllll)

I instantly sent out a broadcast to the 7 people that are forced to read my blog as it is the joyful bonus that comes with being my close friend :))))))).

So anyways, as i was capitalising everything on chat to show everyone how excited i was, a familiar notification beeped. I GOT MY SECOND LIKE TOO. damn.

I then messaged everyone again telling them that i am now famous and that they had all been very good support but unfortunately i shall no longer have time for them anymore as my fans needed me.

It seems like just last week where i promised myself that i would post more often in hopes of attaining avid readers and therefore improving my college application.OH wait. It was.Hehehhehe. Gosh i’m so happy right now and this is probably the most pathetic post i will ever make but goshhhh, being recognised when you are at your worst- uninspired and with writer’s block is just the best dose of GET YOUR BUTT TO WORK you can ever receive.

So thank you to those two people that actually stayed on my blog after opening the monotonous home page and reading a post and then furthermore going through the trouble of liking it.The likes actually mean much more to me than what they are.

Thank you for enjoying reading about my pathetic little life :’).

 

Stage 7: Just hold on

Have you ever felt empty?

Just incomplete- like something essential for you to function is missing; and as hard as you try to fill this void: with people, comfort food and tv shows, the crevice becomes larger and more overwhelming. Where being content becomes an unfamiliar and strange idea.This is the moment where your fears capture you and catalyse an internal war.Where you are introduced to your three formidable foes- frustration,dissatisfaction and envy.This is it… You are now a foreigner in your own life.

Have you ever felt this way?

Well stop.Snap out of it.

The world is going to go on with or without you and there is no time to sit around and complain as no-one is going to wait for you.You should know that it is okay to not be okay.But never let that hollowness destroy you.You should know everyone else is doing fine without you.Just perfect.You made a mistake, but our mistakes are what make us.They help us evolve and become the epitomes of ourselves.Without our fears and mistakes we would be nowhere… without these breathless moments tearing us down, we would have no clue what bliss feels like.What living feels like.

You will survive.You will get through this and the best part of it is- You’re going to come out of this more stronger than ever.Right now every second feels like a torturous impediment.I know it does.The world seems to be against you and everything seems to be falling down like dominoes.But please, i beg of you, Don’t waste these seconds. Become the person that overcomes your current self – Happy, satisfied and confident.You don’t need anyone else to feel this way.This is your decision.

The only obstacle between you and your goal is you.Yes, this will be the most stubborn,recalcitrant and obstinate hurdle you will face.But trust me.Once its overcome… You will be proud and dare i say – Happy. A word you think you have forgotten the meaning of.

 

( Youre not the only one – Stage 6 and the other 1/2: Boys suck. )

Stage 6 and the other 1/2: Boys suck.

This was major click bait, but it is true in all its entirety. At least for now it is.

hmm so i’m sure most of us have been through this and those who haven’t trust me this is the reason you should be single and proud.Let me set the scene

He came out of nowhere and took over your life.He left with no trace and took your heart with him.

As exaggerated as this might sound to people reading this, that are aware (or unaware even) of my age or situation, trust me when i say it is the absolute worst.Yes, everyone knows breakups are the worst. No one likes being left alone in this big scary world. But that’s the thing right there, the feeling that you think you’re alone, when you’re not.You have people all around you, but, you just let one person engulf your life in the most pathogenic way possible.Of course it never happens at the best of times either (I’m for example giving the most important exams of my life currently, and since i aim for NYU i don’t think this is going to affect my application in a healthy way), but let me write this post as therapy for myself and it might help other people out in the process as well.

It hits you relatively fast in your first innocent, unsullied relationship ; i’m talking about the L word. I’m going to revert back to the conclusion i had believed in before my nearly year long relationship began, but improve upon my theory a bit.

Love does exist.Love exists all around you. But love is not a feeling; it is a priceless possession you entrust someone with. And you will only find out you made a mistake once your heart has been broken.That is why it is so priceless.

Maybe eventually i will see this as a good thing.Maybe one day ill look back at this moment in my life and be glad for it, as it shaped the person i will become.But for now things haven’t gotten better and i’m craving for the moment ‘i’ll get over it’.Its hard when everything reminds you of that person, so never make the mistake of forgetting your true self. Ever. Please remain your own person, because that is the mistake i made.

Yesterday as i was going through letters he had given me, my gaze fell upon writing i had never ever seen before.It said ‘and remember, i will love you forever’.I broke down, yearning for him.To hear his voice, for a message from him saying he made a mistake, but i didn’t receive anything  of course.I remembered how he was the one person that didn’t judge me and knew everything there was to know about me.Someone i could to talk to and confide in.Someone who made me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world.But knowing that, that person was gone… forever. That destroyed me.

Of course it was my delusion that led me to believe WE were different, WE would overcome everything and it was my fault for letting a boy who hadn’t grown up himself yet,to be allowed to literally play with my heart.I’m not an idiot though, so obviously these delusions were created by something, so let me rephrase; HE led me to believe we were different and HE said we could overcome everything.But we couldn’t. As we reached the slightest of rough waters, he ‘abandoned ship’.Left his only crew member alone.Yes he did have a good enough reason for calling it off (he doesn’t do long distance, which sucks because at the start of the relationship i used to say that and he hoped otherwise).But what he shouldn’t have done was stop talking to me.Well forcing me to stop talking to him. Because hes always been manipulative like that, and before, i used to let him do that to me.Actually as pathetic as it is, I still would.He started being cold, treating me like a stranger that he doesn’t like, talking about a female best friend of his who was his first everything really and literally telling me he doesn’t love me 2 days after the deed had been done,was what shattered me. Spending every day (mostly) for 9 months with this guy and him suddenly cutting you off and disregarding your presence is the worst feeling ever.You take it out on yourself; I have barely gotten any sleep as i wake up crying, and have only eaten when my mum forces food down my throat.And this makes you the most insecure, pathetic soul alive. You beg and you force the person to notice you, but they wont. Because they don’t want to.It’s as simple as that.So you need to start caring for yourself.

My friends reassure me that i’m the full package and hes missing out but i cant help but pick at all my flaws. The way i look, the way i dress, how close to resembling a bone i am, how annoying i can be and how i create drama out of everything, making people leave me.Just like he did.

But i shouldn’t be justifying his reasons.I keep telling myself he did this to make things easier for me… but if he knew me at all he wouldn’t have ever done this. I should be there for me, now that the boy i viewed as my best friend is gone.. And that’s okay. The way hes been acting i don’t even know who i was in love with.The impostor i gave my heart to is gone and i should get over that.

If its easy for him it can be easy for me too.Hopefully.

Her intro ❤ ( heck, all of it )

Stage 6 1/2: Regret

This is a congratulation post to myself. For validating the doubt i had; the fact that i always leave things half done… or in this case barely begun.I wanted to post at least once a week and that soon turned into the more realistic option of posting once a month.

But now that i sit here before my computer, opening this abandoned blog after 7 months, i’m as motivated as ever!

(that was sarcasm)

Maybe what dispirited me was the realization that more than half the people that open my blog leave directly from the homepage.Maybe it was the fact that i was a lazy procrastinator with a bad memory (sorry for abandoning you my 3 readers).OR MAYBE I SHOULD STOP MAKING EXCUSES AND ACTUALLY DO SOMETHING I SET MY HEART TO FOR ONCE. Yes that’s right i think with my heart rather than my brain, and personally, in recent situations as much as people assure me otherwise, i think it is my biggest flaw.

This blog is now for me and only me.It will be my weapon against the harsh college application achievements section.Maybe in one years time i might have avid readers who don’t personally know me.This might just become a thing.

Lets do this

Stage 5:The Unknown Girl

I glanced at her as she stepped out of her car; head lowered avoiding eye contact with every soul that passed, she closed the door behind her and having not seen me, dragged herself timidly towards the dull metal door.

I slouched behind her in lineup and walked behind her to class. She didn’t stop to talk to anyone nor did she walk alongside any friends. Strangers pushing her aside, she struggled to reach registration.

I watched how she sat with people that scoffed at her presence. How she worked without uttering a single word, not complaining even once about the amount of homework given. Her pain weighed out her pride as she blatantly ignored all the snide comments made about her odd ways of conduct. Little did anyone know they were the cause of her behavior. These were walls she had created to block out all the hatred, jealousy and false accusations. These were walls meant to be broken down by no one. She was living in a self created limbo, alone and afraid.

I still remember the day she broke down into tears, weak and vulnerable, crying for relief. No one came to help her the day she needed it most and that’s the day we lost her. Overwhelmed by the bullying she let everyone win.

Screams broke my train of thought and I let the crowd pull me along. Smelling smoke I glanced up at the blazing inferno. The abandoned school hall crumbled before me. We all watched in horror, paralyzed with shock. I was frustrated how everyone was rooted to the spot helplessly. Chastising my hypocritical thoughts I glanced at the casement of the burning building. There in the window lingered a dainty figure peering at the outside world as if it was on fire. It was her…Of course it was.

Whats the WiFi Password ?