Ambition is just constant dissatisfaction.
It’s the sadness that pushes us. The gnawing, tugging, inescapable emotions that drag us into our creative zones. Writing is a catharsis and there’s no need for it unless you’re looking for an escape; for the reason a reader reads and a writer writes is the same.
And when you’re content, there is no need for an escape- *introducing the all new and improved ‘writers block’. Now in 4 different shades of frustration.*
It’s every artists internal conflict. For them to create they have to have inspiration, for inspiration they need an extreme emotion, for an extreme emotion they need exhilaration or depression, the latter being much easier to achieve when you have no inspiration and thus the vicious cycle begins.
What to do, what to do, what to do.
Take a break I guess. Go out, switch off, forget. I say I guess because evidently I still can’t write. Atleast nothing along the lines of profound or mildly entertaining.
Sorry for wasting your time if you made it this far.
But a word of advice because I never publish a post without something quotable ( ✔️ ) and something kinda sorta not really helpful- Don’t force yourself to create something that has to be appreciated… just. create.
Well, i woke up to that faint blue light that I now so easily recognise (c.e. https://itswaypastcurfew.wordpress.com/2016/06/01/stage-7-34-progress/ , where i flipped out, seeing it for the first time)
WordPress informed me that it was our 2 year anniversary. Possibly the longest any of my relationships have ever lasted (platonic and romantic). *cringing at this sad truth*
Also I haven’t been able to write at all lately and this is more or less a forced post and I have to end up asking myself the question ‘ why can we write so much better when our life is going to the dogs?’
I am good at what I do
And I am so much better at Procrastination.
I have taken it upon myself to write this letter to wholeheartedly thank you.
Yes i may at one point in my life, when my standards were apparently at their lowest, have wanted you, liked you, needed you. Maybe at one sad moment, I craved for your attention, your approval, your acceptance of me. But i swear to you with all the might that is left in me, I do not need it nor am I seeking it.
The word disillusioned was created for revelations like these. You’re hell-bent on bringing me down for some reason. I used to even bother asking questions, doubting myself, just to justify your actions. ‘What did i ever do to you’. It was a question that gnawed at me continuously. It was pathetic. Actually no wait you’re pathetic, I just care too much. My bad, I admit.
But now my attitude has changed. I ask myself a new question now; ‘Why am I letting you do this to me’. I can’t confidently answer that to this day but I can, however, change that interrogative into a declarative; ‘ I wont let you do this to me’. Okay enough of bullshit. I had enough of that when i was honored by your presence.
But listen. I mentioned that i wanted to Thank you and I really do! I did want to thank you, you amazing human you 🙂
Thank you for the pain you caused me. You know why? Because it made me write this post and countless others, it fueled my passion for creative (but rather depressing pieces), It brought me my followers and it brought me my reader who is probably reading this thinking of their very own Jerk. They are quite abundant these days aren’t they? But most importantly it made me so much smarter. Yes. I won’t say stronger or happier because for now that isn’t true. For now.
But smarter. I feel like mentally, i could battle the amazon rain-forest. If someone could tolerate an insolence like you, how easy does everything else seem.
So very truly, Thank you.
Go love yourself.
A person who’s moved on.
This is my personal letter to all the Jerks one faces in life. May it be ex’s, bullies or random trolls. They’re all the same and we can all get through it with a wee bit of patience and a whole lotta sarcasm.
I hit 30 followers 2 days ago preceding my 30th post. Now i know 30 might seem like an ant of a number in the grand scheme of things, however, it is a great big deal to me.
When i started blogging again in the summer of 2016, i promised myself i wouldn’t let this blog rot away abandoned like i had last time. And i didn’t.
I get bored very easily and this is an accomplishment for me. It proves to me, my passion, for writing and comforts my decision to pursue Journalism. It proves the one person who knew about my blog last year and laughed at it, wrong. It proves that I can do something if I wholeheartedly make it my priority. It proves me wrong.
So here is to 30 followers, 1000 hits (YES 1000! ), and many more posts to come.
Sitting on the edge of my bed, clinging to my phone and the words of my closest friends, upset yet again about another boy, i wondered why some days it was so easy to forget and then other days why it was impossible to even begin to do so.
I’ve used rubber bands before to signify trust, but rubber bands are so so so very versatile in their analogical power, it is insane. Bless them.
So here is yet another analogy for you my bored reader.
Crushes and Rubber Bands.
You don’t even have to be facing your crush for this to happen. Actually it works best if you AREN’T facing them. Metaphorically of course. You guys could be on a no communication basis and this will definitely be a problem you will face.
Liking someone is like being attached to them by a rubber band. Your relationship is represented by this band and all your fights, arguments and little fall outs contribute in eroding away the band. Likewise and on the other hand, all your shared conversations, secrets and smiles contribute into making this band stronger and somehow more flexible. The longer you have feelings for this person, the higher the elastic limit. The funny thing is our prey- i mean our crush is usually unaware of this. It’s a sad world.
So now this concept should explain why it is so hard to get over people you harbour romantic feelings for. Every time, you have to try with all your strength and you can not afford to get tired. Because once you do, you’re pulled back by the rubber band, and hard.
And its’s harder each time you’re flung back because it gnaws away at your willpower. It affects your self control and it messes with your confidence. It makes you behave quite pathetically really.
And now thanks to me you have something to blame your pitiful state on. Yaaaaaaaaaay!
No but listen. I know it seems impossible and that’s because as i explained it is hard for a while. But eventually according to physics (finally this subject is helpful) if stretched enough for long, beyond its elastic limit… what happens to the band? YOU’RE RIGHT! It snaps. And WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE you’re free. Just like that.
But obviously since you managed to make it through this entire post, I’ll give you a little cheat code bonus present thingamabob. The band can be cut by a pair of simple scissors. And I happen to have an extra pair. Stop being so attached to them and get over it.
I recently came out.
Not of a closet concerning my sexuality, but rather my mental health.
I still don’t know whether i can call it depression or classify it as full fledged anxiety. Or if it was a concoction of both of those highly complementing ingredients.Not only did they complement each other, but also were extremely compatible with my soul.
The first time i told someone was last year.But last year it wasn’t as powerful. Last year it was like an appetizer for the main course that was soon to upset my entire life and morals. Last year was a breeze comparatively because last year i had things to blame it on… but this year? This time? Nothing.
This time it was in my head, this time it was something i chose, this time it was far more real…
Because this time it made me stronger.
Just when i thought i was alone and had no-one left that i could trust or turn to, i remembered that there were people i had been taking for granted all along. My last chance at a plea for help- Family.
And Holy Hell did they help.
Never have i felt so supported before.Never have i felt so valued. Never have i been so happy.
Yes of course the panic attacks still hit me hard. Of course the sadness hasn’t disappeared but I don’t give up anymore. I fight.
Anxiety and Depression are monsters that feed off of self-pity, self-hatred and self-doubt. But when you choose to be indubitably grateful, compassionately loving and unrelentingly confident, you’re also choosing to be in control.
You’re making a conscious decision to be happy.
The easiest thing to do when you’ve dug a hole so deep is to keep digging. The further you dig the harder it is to get out.It’s always harder to get out.But you have to. You cant let your mind control you.
Don’t let these diseases make you an audience member of your very own life. You didn’t come here to watch. You were sent here to play.
A special thanks to my brother, I love you.
Have you ever realised how alike humans and tissues are? (yes this is another emotional rant of mine so grab some popcorn and your nearest box of tissues and RELATE TO ME)
Here let me elaborate and justify my statement:
If you didn’t already know, tissues are made of many layers, known as plies. Some say the higher the number of plies, the better the quality of the tissue. This same theory could be applied to us.The more layers or the thicker the facade is of a person the tougher they usually are.Alas what is a determiner of quality in tissues?A synonym of toughness- Durability.
Funnily enough, humans and tissues are so alike that sometimes people mistake other people for tissues… don’t believe me? Then think of that person from high-school who needed help with their homework;To whom you offered your sincere assistance, only to never hear from them again… or until the next time your class was given a sheet of algebra equations. And don’t be mistaken- You’re guilty of treating people like tissues too. We all are.
We dispose of people when we are no longer in need of them.When they no longer provide us with comfort or satisfaction of any sort. When they’ve been rendered useless.
However, its alright. Tissues, like most people in your life, aren’t meant to be permanent. But when you do find those people who’s presence in your life isn’t volatile? Treasure them, because you my dear reader, have found yourself a handkerchief.
“So Tami what did you do today?”
“Oh nothing much, just blogged about tissues. You know the usual”
(Heres a mini shoutout to all the handkerchief’s in my life. The ones that I have found, and the ones that I have yet to find.)
Stop.Stop doing that.Just stop.
Why are you making yourself pathetic?Why are you reducing yourself to that level when you’re capable of and ARE much more than that. You’re awesome and you know it. You’re choosing to let this have power over you and control your every move and feeling but stop that right now. Don’t give power to something that obviously brings you so much pain.Stop holding onto ex-animate hopes and dreams;they aren’t alive and full of vigor anymore as much as your misconception would love to believe.They are motionless and static so stop lying to yourself and spending so much of your time focused on something so defunct.
This is all a futile attempt to bring back something that is dead in a mortal world.
You are stronger than this, you are better than this and you can fight this addiction.I know you can.You don’t need this, you just want it.Its a piece of cake you cannot have so move on and bake a new cake.Improve upon that basic recipe and move the hell on.
You’re no longer needed here. You’re being pushed away from here so let yourself be pushed towards something greater.Something that deserves your undivided attention.
Whats happened has happened.You cannot change it.It is out of your control so stop giving this all your energy when better things out there are entitled to it.
You’re being stupid.
Go live the rest of your life already for gods sake.
Remember to just forgive and forget.
Forgive yourself, and forget it ever happened.
Unless you would prefer clinging onto something so corrosive.
” the act or process of releasing a strong emotion (such as pity or fear) especially by expressing it in an art form”
This is undoubtedly my favorite word.As defined above, it is basically the purgation of oneself. Imagine that- the complete renewal, a fresh start, a new ending to an old beginning; However you wish to put it, i personally believe this is one of the most beautiful words in the language as it promises hope.This word is a beacon of absolute desire.
It is a metaphor, originally used by Aristotle in the Poetics, comparing the effects of tragedy on the mind of a spectator to the effect of a cathartic on the body. ( Yes, i conduct my research on wiki ).
My writing recently I’ve realised, is cathartic. My posts possibly paint an image of a pissed off teen who wants to see the entire world rot before her eyes.Okay lets be honest, that is exactly what is illustrated through my writing but let me clarify that i am anything but.I actually haven’t ever had to be self-reliant for my happiness but through writing, I have managed to accomplish just this.Through jotting down every little thought that pops into my mind, I have found a safe and productive way to release all my emotions; By materialising my problems and feelings into the form of harmless words it is impossible, all of a sudden, to perceive them as scary or frustrating anymore.
Writing helps me to delve into the vast pool of suffering, joy and mystery my mind contains
I have become a dark and hollow vessel that pours out her feelings onto this blank space.My thoughts are captured as soon as they are released and this has made me a much stronger person as I have become inured to my reality.
I urge you to write down whatever it is you feel… especially if you’re anything like myself -not good with or don’t like to share your feelings with other … strangers.Writing enables you to review whatever it is you are feeling and this helps you become accustomed to your being.Writing enables one to recognise themselves as an individual and gives them the power to have total control over what they feel.
It all begins and ends in your mind.