Stage 18: Self- Quarantine

Voluntarily choosing to be in silence.

It sucks, and its not something i used to be capable of. However now, somehow i am able to jail my voice, only speaking when necessary and sometimes not even then. Its confusing, its all sorts of depressing and its highly unhealthy.

I confess: I’m a Chronic Over-thinker. Do you know what overthinking is like? Its trying to move forward with life, with one foot firmly on the brake. Its something only someone who’s passionate about warring with their emotions can achieve. Its just toxic.

I don’t even, know the function of this post. I guess it was an attempt at venting and then being able to make sense of what ive been feeling? However it sure as hell isnt working.

Why couldnt i tell someone close to me? That’s the Overthinking efficiently working. Its made me feel alone and dissatisfied with everything. It’s consuming every aspect that supports me. But why? How do i even go about making sense of this.

I want to study

I want to be successful

I want to stop being a ‘Jack of all, King of none’

I want to stop condemning every thing i do

I want to stop being fed up with people around me

I just don’t want to feel alone anymore.

I know this is a year of my life where i need to focus, where the above statements actually are advantages. But its a major change.. going from the free morpheme ‘social’ to the bound morpheme ‘anti-social’. That was an AS English reference ( yeah woah i’m actually sticking to my promise and studying this year?) but it’s ironic, since i do feel bound

But from my own actions? I know that can’t be normal.

I was okay with being a mess before and now that for the first time, i’m actually getting stuff done and organised- clearing up the ‘garbage’ that i had transformed my life into- I’m not happy? This is so messed up. What’s wrong with me?

How can i be making the choice of isolating myself and then question why i feel so isolated.

help

 

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