This was major click bait, but it is true in all its entirety. At least for now it is.
hmm so i’m sure most of us have been through this and those who haven’t trust me this is the reason you should be single and proud.Let me set the scene
He came out of nowhere and took over your life.He left with no trace and took your heart with him.
As exaggerated as this might sound to people reading this, that are aware (or unaware even) of my age or situation, trust me when i say it is the absolute worst.Yes, everyone knows breakups are the worst. No one likes being left alone in this big scary world. But that’s the thing right there, the feeling that you think you’re alone, when you’re not.You have people all around you, but, you just let one person engulf your life in the most pathogenic way possible.Of course it never happens at the best of times either (I’m for example giving the most important exams of my life currently, and since i aim for NYU i don’t think this is going to affect my application in a healthy way), but let me write this post as therapy for myself and it might help other people out in the process as well.
It hits you relatively fast in your first innocent, unsullied relationship ; i’m talking about the L word. I’m going to revert back to the conclusion i had believed in before my nearly year long relationship began, but improve upon my theory a bit.
Love does exist.Love exists all around you. But love is not a feeling; it is a priceless possession you entrust someone with. And you will only find out you made a mistake once your heart has been broken.That is why it is so priceless.
Maybe eventually i will see this as a good thing.Maybe one day ill look back at this moment in my life and be glad for it, as it shaped the person i will become.But for now things haven’t gotten better and i’m craving for the moment ‘i’ll get over it’.Its hard when everything reminds you of that person, so never make the mistake of forgetting your true self. Ever. Please remain your own person, because that is the mistake i made.
Yesterday as i was going through letters he had given me, my gaze fell upon writing i had never ever seen before.It said ‘and remember, i will love you forever’.I broke down, yearning for him.To hear his voice, for a message from him saying he made a mistake, but i didn’t receive anything of course.I remembered how he was the one person that didn’t judge me and knew everything there was to know about me.Someone i could to talk to and confide in.Someone who made me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world.But knowing that, that person was gone… forever. That destroyed me.
Of course it was my delusion that led me to believe WE were different, WE would overcome everything and it was my fault for letting a boy who hadn’t grown up himself yet,to be allowed to literally play with my heart.I’m not an idiot though, so obviously these delusions were created by something, so let me rephrase; HE led me to believe we were different and HE said we could overcome everything.But we couldn’t. As we reached the slightest of rough waters, he ‘abandoned ship’.Left his only crew member alone.Yes he did have a good enough reason for calling it off (he doesn’t do long distance, which sucks because at the start of the relationship i used to say that and he hoped otherwise).But what he shouldn’t have done was stop talking to me.Well forcing me to stop talking to him. Because hes always been manipulative like that, and before, i used to let him do that to me.Actually as pathetic as it is, I still would.He started being cold, treating me like a stranger that he doesn’t like, talking about a female best friend of his who was his first everything really and literally telling me he doesn’t love me 2 days after the deed had been done,was what shattered me. Spending every day (mostly) for 9 months with this guy and him suddenly cutting you off and disregarding your presence is the worst feeling ever.You take it out on yourself; I have barely gotten any sleep as i wake up crying, and have only eaten when my mum forces food down my throat.And this makes you the most insecure, pathetic soul alive. You beg and you force the person to notice you, but they wont. Because they don’t want to.It’s as simple as that.So you need to start caring for yourself.
My friends reassure me that i’m the full package and hes missing out but i cant help but pick at all my flaws. The way i look, the way i dress, how close to resembling a bone i am, how annoying i can be and how i create drama out of everything, making people leave me.Just like he did.
But i shouldn’t be justifying his reasons.I keep telling myself he did this to make things easier for me… but if he knew me at all he wouldn’t have ever done this. I should be there for me, now that the boy i viewed as my best friend is gone.. And that’s okay. The way hes been acting i don’t even know who i was in love with.The impostor i gave my heart to is gone and i should get over that.
If its easy for him it can be easy for me too.Hopefully.