“I’m scared of the silence. I’m scared of being left alone with my thoughts. I’m scared of the light. I’m scared of being out in the open for everyone to see. ”
I recently was going through my notes and I found the above.Yea it isn’t complete, relative to most things I do and probably doesn’t make much sense due to its randomness.I don’t remember exactly when I wrote it but I definetly do remember why and i think it’s about time I materialise this story someway or another.
Everyone goes through high school and every one knows what it feels like to go through that phase in junior / sophomore year when you realise who your “real friends ” are. You learn how to distinguish genuinely nice people from those who are just faking it. You learn how to see past your own problems but realise that your problems should stay your own ( if that makes sense ).
I recently went through something , although considered minute in the grand scheme of things it did change something or atleast helped me change something in me.
Trying to remember this succession of events I’m plunged into an ocean of painful memories. Although at that time I considered them the most settled moments of my life, they were anything but stable and could be hindered by the weight of a feather as I now have come to realise.
Although I’m not going to say exactly what happened as that would be too personal I will summarise it.
A friend of mine who has been my only support through all of this had attempted to do the unspeakable months prior to everything. She was only an aquaintince at that point in time but being part of a pretty small bodied school it shook us up.Everyone suddenly rushed to comfort everyone. All the remaining drama disappated and breaks became very quiet and emotional. It might be awful and you might think I’m a very bad person for saying this but I was very immune to all the tears and sadness. Maybe because she wasn’t a close friend , maybe I resented the fact that she announced it to everyone as if she only did it for the attention she received. I remember my best friend (at the time)calling me and sobbing. Seriously ? How could the only person I knew that was also unsusceptible to all the bs be affected as well. I questioned the credibility of my emotions and wether I was in possession of a heart (Yes , yes I am my mother had me checked )
All the commotion eventually died out as most things do since teenagers do not have a very long attention span. The girl moved on (atleast I thought ), her friends moved on (atleast I thought ) , my best friend moved on (atleast I thought ) and that was the last I would hear of it (atleast I thought ). See what I did there
A couple of months later all was going great. I was having the time of my life. But obviously karma had to get me for all those times I bitched about someone or something. Remember the girl I didn’t fancy much ? (We will call her A) Yea her friends all cornered her saying how she was a total attention whore. Now a crucial piece of information, I had become quite good friends with A over this period of time and I knew what her story was and I did sympathise with her.
Maybe six months ago I would have agreed with them but now I totally didn’t, I knew her story and I knew and understood her reasons althought it didn’t justify her attempt, nothing ever should. I was against it. It was so horribly wrong. If this was how they had thought all along why bring it up now. Why make her go through everything again. Why question her credibility when you have seen the scars and witnessed the empty seats in all her classes. Why bring it up at all.
I sided with her. Her best friend left her and my “best friend ” agreed with everyone else.
This was probably one of the centrefold events. There were countless more running alongside it since I hadn’t learnt to keep things to myself but this..this was the cherry on top. I argued. A lot. With a lot of people. About a lot of things. I decided I wasn’t going to be manipulated anymore. I lost someone who I’ve now realised was very special to me. I lost one of the closest friends I’ve ever had and I lost everybody else. When A was absent which was quite often I was left alone sitting in the bathroom or library. How cliche I know. I sunk into an all time low. I started talking to people I didn’t even enjoy the company of just to fill the void left by those missing. Astounded by how a few words could change everything I started not talking to anyone but my brother and sisters, my sisters being oblivious to what was going on and my brother only being exposed to the basics. I wanted to leave school. I didn’t realise I could feel so alienated in a country I was born and brought up in. The only thing that had made me feel like it was my home and not just a place I resided were my friends. I wanted to move to where my brother lived. Where my parents are from, where I actually belonged. My dad worried when I burst into tears infront of him and actually agreed to this uprooting for a while.
Anyways after three months or so which actually seemed like an eternity I somehow learned to completely deal with it. I actually got over it. I had made better friends. Way better friends who wouldn’t leave me (hopefully ) in the blink of an eye. People that actually cared about me. People I would actually want to be like.
But I also realised there had to be something wrong with me.I trusted too easily. I let my guard down and came to assumptions way too soon. I judged where it was not necessary and I was a notorious gossiper (Is that a word ).
One person destroyed my life and that person was me.
Deep I know. I try
It was also an exaggeration. Friends are not at all what life is about. They are an added bonus. You can live without them. And thank god I realised that before it was too late. Imagine a 40 year old woman crying over not being invited to a party. I joke I joke. For sure family should be your ride and die. And it’s good to know that things aren’t permanent and to make sure you don’t expect them to be.
In the end I guess I am ending this abruptly but I did write it all on a plane with a very talkative person seated next to me. The struggle is real #FirstWorldProblems
Atleast I finally updated !!!
(Side note :So I’m pretty sure I sent this link to atleast two friends. I hope this wasn’t too sappy for you guys it is my blog 😒)